My husband bought me an AMC A-List Premier Pass thingy, so now I can clap for myself when AMC thanks its A-Listers before every movie. You’re welcome.

My goal for 2024 is to “see more movies,” which shouldn’t be hard to do. I didn’t see many in the theater last year. But now that the kids don’t need sitters (and, frankly, can probably see most movies with us at this point), I can get back to doing what I’ve always loved: judging other people’s art.

Starting with…The Beekeeper, starring Jason Statham as the titular apiarist.

I saw this preview for the first time back in December, and the juxtaposition of tough-guy Statham just trying to live a life as a quiet beekeeper, until he’s pulled back into the world of revenge, blood, and carnage really spoke to me. I worried there wouldn’t be enough bee stuff. THERE WAS PLENTY OF BEE STUFF. And I think they used up all the puns. Sorry, eventual sequel, The Beekeeper 2: Stirring the Honey Pot.

Here’s my most controversial take of 2024, early January edition: in some ways The Beekeeper is better than Oppenheimer.

Now, hear me out. Oppenheimer is fine. But it’s, like, just fine. I. feel like this is one of those years where we’re in a slow march toward an inevitable best picture win for a movie I just kind of barely liked, and Oppenheimer is it. (To be fair, I’m not standing up and shouting for any of the movies I’ve seen so far. I only liked Barbie. I think I need to see Killers of the Flower Moon again. I’m in the middle of The Holdovers, and I haven’t seen Past Lives or Anatomy of a Fall yet. I loved American Fiction, but that’s not in the conversation to win.)

Obviously, The Beekeeper and Oppenheimer aren’t trying to achieve the same goals. Obviously. The Beekeeper will not be on any Oscars short lists next year. But do I think The Beekeeper succeeds in reaching its goals more than Oppenheimer does? I do.

First of all, this movie is a tight hour fifty. I’ve had to sit through a lot of movies lately that are two, three hours plus. This is almost never necessary. Oppenheimer is a three-hour movie that feels like four and it probably should’ve been a miniseries. Or a TikTok.

The Beekeeper features a genius of his craft at the top of his game. I know you all love Christopher Nolan, and his technical filmmaking abilities are topnotch, but he has a storytelling problem. His movies are devoid of emotional pull or heft. They’re just…interesting to watch (sometimes). Jason Statham gives the people what they want: bees and REVENGE.

The Beekeeper has better female characters. This is almost unfair. The NFL WAG cam has more female character development than Oppenheimer. I’m already preemptively mad at Emily Blunt probably getting an Oscar nod for that role.

Anyway…here are my:

Beekeeper pros: Phylicia Rashad; Josh Hutcherson in the perfect role for him because he is NOT a romantic lead, but he is a real piece of shit; Jeremy Irons doing almost as much as Mark Ruffalo does in Poor Things; bees; honey

Beekeeper cons: Needed a more interesting actor to play the president; I would’ve liked even more bees; the movie…just…ends.